Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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