I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
