Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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