Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
