win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
