I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
