I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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