Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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