Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
