Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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