I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
