I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
