If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
