Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My ass is underappreciated
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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