I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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