I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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