shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
