Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
