You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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