Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
this boner is exhausting
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
