DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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