So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
