You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
