Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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