I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
