omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
