You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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