omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
When did angry sex become our thing?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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