if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
