at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
