Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
