I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
