so explain again why im purple
no
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
