he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
