Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
