Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
