Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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