My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
