So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
