I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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