i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
