last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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