My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
