Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
