How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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