everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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