Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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