just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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