i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
