It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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