I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
