Plan B is the new Plan A
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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