apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
