She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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