Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
