She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation