My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
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I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂