Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.