I'm so fucking centered right now
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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