i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
